Do one thing (Holy Crumpets!)
Walking through the front door every sense tells us this is a place of worship, a shrine to the one true warm and guzzy God – for yeah verily, we have come to pray at the altar of Holy Crumpets in North Carlton.
Over the counter on a dark griddle bathed in winter sunlight a couple of dozen heavy-duty stainless steel batter-filled crumpet rings are lined up row upon row. Steam and smoke wisp as signature crumpet holes sink into sacred sourdough batter.
Once the bottoms are golden crispy brown they’re scooped up onto cooling racks before being served.
Holy Crumpets do fancy toppings but I need to go back to first principles to compare to my formative crumpet experiences – I go for buttered and vegemited on a simple brown plate.
Golden Crumpets are my crumpet default, I try to think of another brand but like Paddle Pops or Dunlop Volleys, Golden Crumpets have formed the mental and emotional bedrock of what I understand a crumpet to be.
Looking down at my plate, the shape and form are familiar but like my friend proclaims with her mouth full, “Oh my God, these are a whole ‘nother thing!’
Fresh off the griddle they’re taller and fatter and lighter but more substantial all at the same time. I don’t know if it’s the hole-to-batter ratio or the interesting things the sourdough is doing to what I thought I once knew about crumpets, but I understand why people want these and lots of them.
What’s happening to my crumbling conceptualisation of crumpets took founder Josh Clements six months of patient trial and error to perfect.
His recipe, a just-right mix of local wholemeal and stone ground flours with a full day to prove the sourdough, would become the foundations for success.
From the beginning at Josh’s small farmers’ markets stall Holy Crumpets were a hit – things grew and in 2019 a tiny but very busy hole-in-the-wall cafe was opened in Little La Trobe Street.
Of course COVID came soon after shutting down the CBD and forcing Holy Crumpets online. It survived the pandemic delivering solace via the most comforting of comfort foods to a locked-down populace.
When Melbourne finally reopened Holy Crumpets moved into its current home on the corner of Nicholson and Pigdon Sts.
There’s something about a business that takes a single dish to its highest expression – the discipline, the detail and sheer time required to stay at the highest level creates a constant tension between the perfect and the possible.
The dissonance is illustrated by Holy Crumpet’s co-owner Tegan Fonti scrubbing her way through a pile of pots in the kitchen.
Apologising unnecessarily for the mess caused by the broken dishwasher, it’s just another obstacle in Tegan’s day provisioning a small team with absolutley everything they need to turn out and serve hundreds of perfect crumpets.
A day which will end with Tegan jumping into a hired GoGet to finish the last delivery run.
It’s a beguiling balance of order and chaos that apportions such joy to its eaters yet such stress and doubt to its makers.
And it begets the question we ask of great cooks, artists and athletes – why do you choose this torture? To which the answer is always – There is no choice?
If you’re feeling the need to join Josh and Tegan in some quiet crumpet contemplation you’ll find Holy Crumpets on special here.
Have a great week
Chris
